Settling: Is There Any Time It’s Okay?

Not A Break Up But A Shake Up

settling“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.” Mandy Hale

That I know is true!

Many of you reading those opening words from Mandy Hale might assume that they refer only to the heartbreak of an intimate relationship ending. However, it is applicable to just about every heartbreak imaginable. The loss of a job or even the end of a career that you worked years to climb the rungs of the ladder. A longtime friendship that crashed and burned. The repossession of your dream home or car. Just about anything that you cherished. If you invested time and energy nurturing it, you feel broken that comes to an end.

 

It hurts like crazy and you have no idea how or if you will ever recover from the suffering you are undergoing. Time, however, if not heals will at least put a scab of the wound. Job opportunities begin opening. You meet new people and one or two stand out as possible friends. You are encouraged to go online and check out dating sites – at least to browse and ease the lingering heartache.

Settling For The Bird In Hand

settlingMonths later, who knows maybe many months later, a year even, you have a job offer. Not quite what you had hoped for and your skill-set is way above what is needed. You give it some thought and ponder whether you should wait until you have a couple of offers at least. But, you are not sure. The bills are piling up. You have scaled back your lifestyle so much that the seams are showing. Your best friend keeps reminding you that a “bird in hand is worth two in the bush.” Uncertain how long it might take to have a comparable offer – you accept the job. You tell yourself that it is an “in the meantime situation.”

After much tears and dark thoughts that you never fathomed could enter your mind, you let your friend create a profile for you. Weeks pass and while your inbox is filled with all sorts of offers to meet, have coffee or more – your thoughts are never far from your lost love. And then that message comes on the day you decide to take down that online profile. “It must be synchronicity,” you think. Well, the height is a bit off and they smoke but you notice so many mix-matched couples these days, so you let that slide. As for the smoking, there is always the patio. Your dear friend’s words pop in your head again. She and those damn birds! Without thinking too much because you know what happens when you do, you go for coffee.

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The Addiction

At the start of the year, I shared a video post on this topic – “Satisfied Vs. Settling,” and asked readers to share their thoughts and experiences. I was curious to know whether in certain circumstances it is okay to settle on being satisfied. Check out that post here and notice the difference between the examples shared then and today’s conversation about settling.

Here is the bottom line: Settling is grounded in fear of the unknown and that includes not knowing who you are and what you deserve.

Confronted by loss and major changes or upheavals in our lives, like a drowning man we reach out for anything to save ourselves. As we sputter and splatter about, desperately trying to make sense of our lives, anything that comes with a seeming promise of “less pain,” we latch on to it.

settlingMany argue that addiction rates are skyrocketing due to our decreasing ability to handle change. Children are no longer being taught the life skills they will need to cope, especially in this fast paced world. Frankly, parents are finding it hard to understand the changes in society over the last few decades so how can they be expected to fully equip their offsprings? So we see millions settling for the drugs and alcohol to help them make sense of things.

Then there are those who are settling for the next warm body that comes along to ease the pain of losing their significant other. Sex has become meaningless. That is not meant to be religious observation. It is a sad fact.

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Knowing What You Deserve

Out of fear, we do, say and hold on to what distracts us from what most needs our attention – our soul or inner person, if you prefer. We have forgotten who we are and so settle for the first pony that gallops into town.

Many months ago, I offered a technique that might help more of us reach in and meet with ourselves, reconnect and flip the fear into fearsome. Check out the SWAP© technique and  flip your fear, and stop settling for the “bird in hand.”

Rob Liano says it best:

If you don’t know what you want, you’ll never find it.
If you don’t know what you deserve, you’ll always settle for less.
You will wander aimlessly, uncomfortably numb in your comfort zone, wondering how life has ended up here.

Life starts now, live, love, laugh and let your light shine!”

SubscribeDo hope you find my SWAP© technique useful. Share your thoughts below in the comments section of this conversation, your own experiences with settling and any suggestions you might have for our readers.

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32 thoughts on “Settling: Is There Any Time It’s Okay?

  1. I loved that you related your thoughts to more than just relationships. This is a great reminder to never ever settle. Blessing you!

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thank you and blessings to you as well Tesha! 🙂

  2. Such great insight and wisdom shared here.
    Here’s a quote from one of my favorite movies. The perks of being a wallflower:
    “We accept the love we think we deserve”
    I love that quote because it’s simple yet so profound. You see it all the time, girls going after the bad boys, guys going after girls who are materialistic…

  3. CourtneyLynne

    Yes, one should never settle!!! Even if it hurts at the time to break things off… you’re better off in the long run if you were only settling

  4. Thank you for sharing this post, it really has opened my eyes and made me access if I am settling. I feel I am settling with my current job.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Happy to be of service! I do wish you every success with your eyes now opened on the particular issue. Namaste.

  5. It will take some time before we realize that we should never settle. I’ve been in this phase before and it’s really going to feel different when you finally feel satisfied with the life that you have. The key is learning how to distinguish the two from the other.

    1. Ms Claudette

      It is such a wonder-filled feeling Carol! So amazing to finally get to a place in life where you just breathe!

  6. Powerful Post Claudette!
    I was once a Settler…Thank God I found my way back to my Divine purpose way early in life and found the man of my dreams!
    Settling starts with all the things we are told when young, Its better to have something, at least we have something, be happy with what yo got, Others have nothing etc etc. We are then made to feel less that worthy if we share our Huge seemingly impossible dreams for our lives and career, this affects our mindset as we are not in control of it at an early stage and for ma y for life. We then settle for Whoever flatters us the most, regardless of their lack of moral aptitude….Settling! A swear word in my view! Gratitude is great, But we must not settle for anything that flies by! 🙂

    1. Ms Claudette

      You are an amazing woman Julie and I thank you each time you visit and share your insightful perspectives. Namaste

  7. Ourfamilyworld

    I love reading your blog. Now I know that it is not so easy to get settle for something that I will not be happy.. Thank you for sharing this.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thank you so much for saying that and continuing to visit! 🙂

  8. Elizabeth O.

    One of the advice that my mom told me was to never settle, and I have taken that to heart until today. Settling for something will never get you anywhere especially if you’re settling in a romantic relationship of a job that doesn’t even make you happy.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Some discount it as being too sensitive but happiness is the key! Thanks for commenting Elizabeth!

  9. Yes…never settle for less. Firm believer of getting everything you deserve . besides if it’s not meant for you, you won’t get it anyways. If you don’t go for it, you’ll never know.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Spot on Kimberly! Thanks for the visit. 🙂

  10. Great article! I related to this a few years back where I had to make a very difficult and uncomfortable decision because I was settling. This is a great post for those going through something similar!!

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thank you for sharing that Sandra! I hope it helps at least one other. 🙂

  11. Great post! Yes, it’s important to never settle. Always strive for what you deserve!
    Amber Myers recently posted…7 Things We Must Do During The HolidaysMy Profile

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thanks Amber! 🙂

  12. I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years on Monday because I felt like I was settling. This is too true. Thanks for posting!

    1. Ms Claudette

      Sorry to hear of your “heartache,” but I am very glad you recognized things for what they truly were, Tyler. 🙂

  13. I have learned that love and loyalty to oneself is important. Your right never settle!

    1. Ms Claudette

      Indeed Pamela, indeed! 🙂

  14. Thanks for the reminder not to settle! Sometimes it’s hard to know what you deserve, but it’s important to remember not to settle for something that doesn’t make you happy.

    1. Ms Claudette

      You are most welcome Nellywyn! Always go for the happy! 🙂

  15. Too often I have almost settled for far less then what I deserved. At the time I was convinced it was because “I was in love” or the job would take me places. Truth is, you never really know what is around the corner!

    1. Ms Claudette

      You are so right Chloe!

  16. An interesting perspective. I think it always depends on the individual and the situation

    1. Ms Claudette

      Yes, it most certainly does, however, settling is settling no matter the specifics. Namaste

  17. Relationships are tough and I agree kids are not taught to cope anymore well said

    1. Ms Claudette

      No, sadly they are not Brandon and we all are seeing the result of this already around us.

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