Searched high and low to find an image of the pen that almost got me the whopping of my life. Just as I searched 45+ years ago to find the one that disappeared. Never found that multi-cartridge pen that my uncle brought back from his stint in the United States. Just as I could not find an imagine of it today on the Worldwide Web.
What has not disappeared is the memory of it or the “back siding” my mother gave me.
The Pen That Disappeared
I was warned not to take the pen to school but which child would listen to that when they possessed the very thing that could make them the centre of attraction?
When I discovered that it had disappeared, I searched every crevice along the paths I had taken that day. Not finding it and knowing the hell and powder house that was going to occur when my mother found out, I ran away. Well not quite. I hightailed to my father’s family house, a place that I might have visited twice before. That is another story, my infrequent visits to the Esterines.
As night fell, my half-brother took me home promising to plead on my behalf. We held high hopes that his pleas would soften my mother’s hardening heart as he had done so before. That too is another story.
He failed and I was severely whipped and chastised.
In that incident, I learned my first lesson in disappearing possessions. It would pave the way for how I dealt with the people who disappeared from my life and problem solving for a couple more decades:
“Hang on to things, people, anything that has material and emotional value or are status symbols with your dear life – or get an ass whipping!”
Grip Or Release
So I hung on! For dear life I gripped:
- Every relationship or friendship even if the other party did not want to relate to me any longer
- Pieces of papers that said I had earned certification, a degree, experience even though I had suffered through the course, job, etc and hated every second
If it disappeared, I would hunt and tie it down so tightly, preferring it dying than allow it to “leave” me. That is exactly what I did when a long-term relationship started dying in its 9th year. Seven years later when it finally gave up the ghost and up and disappeared – literally and metaphorically – I started to learn the real lesson in disappearing acts.
Let them go.
What Is Yours Will Remain
In Jamaica we have a saying: “What a fi yuh can’t be un-fi-yuh.” Translation: What is yours is yours.
It would take me six more years to earn my degree in “Goodbye Psychology.” My professor, Life, was patient and allowed me to repeat classes and courses, gave me extra lessons and set for me the most rigorous examinations. I graduated when I was truly ready to let everything, everyone and every situation disappear once they had fulfill their purpose in my life.
When this post was first published, it was the first anniversary at my previous job with a not-for-profit organization. It was a proud moment for me not because I was going to receive a fat bonus cheque or something. My pride stemmed from the fact that this “Enjoyment Employment” is one of the several rewards that my professor, Life, has given to me.
My certification in “Goodbye” meant that, finally I was ready to:
- Work with an organization not for money but for the richness of service
- Cherish friendships for their heart value and not popularity ranking
- Allow my most precious gift, my daughter, to be who she wants to be
- Love wastefully anyone even those who piss me off
- Release easily anything and anyone
The Next Class
Now, my remaining class through which I will receive a doctorate in “Goodbye’ is in “The Joys of a Fully Free and Totally Unconditional Intimate Relationship.” I think I entered that classroom door recently, entering with my heart wide open and my palms uplifted to What feeds my soul. The words on my heart are simple:
“Take me as I am.”
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Today’s Challenge Word in our Summer series is “Disappeared” as you can tell by now. Be blessed and be ready to accept that what disappears is no longer yours!