Love ‘Filled’ Me
Every state of mind is directly affected by the flow of love within and without. There is only one thing that truly fills the emptiness. That thing is called LOVE. The lack of love causes an inner emptiness that no substance, no bingeing, no external intervention can fill. Inner emptiness comes from a lack of connection with our spiritual source of love.
The truth of who I am comes only from my personal source of spiritual guidance—-whatever that is. When I open to learning, that guidance ‘system’, let us say, teaches me about the truth of who I am. Through the life of my second baby, I learned how to completely open myself to an in-pouring of Love. It was a painful, emptying lesson but one that in one of my darkest moments seeped into my heart and filled my inner emptiness.
Thanks To My Second Baby
That in-filling of Love came upon me about 10 years ago when our second son, Justin was born. I had an almost perfect pregnancy. On June 4, my baby, Justin came into the world.
I was overjoyed because we had no idea of the baby’s gender. We deliberately did not ask or wanted to find out prior to his arrival. The sound of words “It’s a boy,” rang sweetly in my ears—even to this day.
Twenty four hours later, my Obstetrician-Gynecologist came to my bedside and delivered the devastating news. He said that our bouncing 6 ½ pound baby had a medical problem. He had a serious heart defect. Baby Justin’s heart chambers were malformed. The doctor went on to explain, in the best way he could, the medical options that were available to us. It was clear that he was having a difficult time speaking to me as by then I was uncontrollable, bawling my eyes out. He asked for my partner’s number and amid the din of my screams, the doctor tried to explain the situation to him.
The Day My Baby Died
Fast forward to the 27th of July. Baby Justin started to show signs of a failing heart. His heart rate dropped. He had stopped eating. His cries became a faint moan. We were well prepared by his doctors to know what these signs meant. I rushed him to the Bustamante Children’s Hospital here in Kingston, Jamaica .
There began a journey of a million steps.
For three weeks, we travelled the route to and from the hospital while our team of medical professionals made arrangements with their counterparts overseas for us to travel there. They thought that we could get further medical help there, as soon as Baby Justin was physically stable enough to travel. That would not be the case.
August 20 came and a piece of us died when Baby Justin made his transition.
The Depth Of Emptiness
For the first time during this ordeal an enormous emptiness overtook my core.
It was so overwhelming – like nothing that I have ever experienced. I was sure there was no return. How could I get out of there? Only if I could find the strength to reach out, stretch my trembling hands up to the edge of the deep well of darkness and sadness that Baby Justin’s death had dragged me down. No, kicked me down.
In a last-ditch attempt, I pulled my zombie-like self together and three days after my baby’s passing, I cried out to Source to fill my emptiness. To make me feel alive again. Looking back, I am convinced that Source immediately responded.
Suddenly, I was reminded that I still had my first-born son, Jared. I had family, friends who had turned family. I still had LOVE. As suddenly, Love became more than anything. Love was poured into my soul and I, in turn, opened up myself to receiving it, realizing that my capacity to love and be love is infinite.
This was Clara Brown’s most intimate piece she has ever written for us. When she was told about the request from a reader, responding to our survey “What Woman-Related Topic Should We Do Next?” I asked her to do this piece. Since Baby Justin’s passing, Clara has leaned-in many times, relying on what she calls Source to help her fill her emptiness. It has as she so passionately and clearly shared here – her first-born child, her family and her friends have been the channel for her Source to fill her up.
Clara is a longstanding member of Claudette’s Daughters of Sheba Facebook group, a friend, an Insurance Executive and a very wise woman. She lives in St. Andrew, Jamaica with her spouse and now 12 year-old first-born baby, Jared. Her most recent article was “How To Use Your Gifts To Thrive Wherever You Are.” She also contributed to one of our most popular posts in October – “Wanted: A Man To Pay The Bills.”
We will continue this Emptiness conversation with Contributor Alexis Ali’s experience with the feeling and how she filled up. Be sure to subscribe and get your update.