My Baby Died: How Do I Go On?

Love ‘Filled’ Me

Every state of mind is directly affected by the flow of love within and without.  There is only one thing that truly fills the emptiness. That thing is called LOVE. The lack of love causes an inner emptiness that no substance, no bingeing, no external intervention can fill.  Inner emptiness comes from a lack of connection with our spiritual source of love.

The truth of who I am comes only from my personal source of spiritual guidance—-whatever that is.  When I open to learning, that guidance ‘system’, let us say, teaches me about the truth of who I am.  Through the life of my second baby, I learned how to completely open myself to an in-pouring of Love. It was a painful, emptying lesson but one that in one of my darkest moments seeped into my heart and filled my inner emptiness.

Thanks To My Second Baby

That in-filling of Love came upon me about 10 years ago when our second son, Justin was born. I had an almost perfect pregnancy.  On June 4, my baby, Justin came into the world.

baby
Expectant…to Empty

I was overjoyed because we had no idea of the baby’s gender.  We deliberately did not ask or wanted to find out prior to his arrival.  The sound of words “It’s a boy,” rang sweetly in my ears—even to this day.

Twenty four hours later, my Obstetrician-Gynecologist came to my bedside and delivered the devastating news. He said that our bouncing 6 ½ pound baby had a medical problem.  He had a serious heart defect. Baby Justin’s heart chambers were malformed. The doctor went on to explain, in the best way he could, the medical options that were available to us.  It was clear that he was having a difficult time speaking to me as by then I was uncontrollable, bawling my eyes out.  He asked for my partner’s number and amid the din of my screams, the doctor tried to explain the situation to him.

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The Day My Baby Died

Fast forward to the 27th of July. Baby Justin started to show signs of a failing heart. His heart rate dropped. He had stopped eating. His cries became a faint moan.  We were well prepared by his doctors to know what these signs meant. I rushed him to the Bustamante Children’s Hospital here in Kingston, Jamaica .

There began a journey of a million steps.

babyFor three weeks, we travelled the route to and from the hospital while our team of medical professionals made arrangements with their counterparts overseas for us to travel there. They thought that we could get further medical help there, as soon as Baby Justin was physically stable enough to travel. That would not be the case.

August 20 came and a piece of us died when Baby Justin made his transition.

The Depth Of Emptiness

For the first time during this ordeal an enormous emptiness overtook my core.

It was so overwhelming – like nothing that I have ever experienced. I was sure there was no return. How could I get out of there? Only if I could find the strength to reach out, stretch my trembling hands up to the edge of the deep well of darkness and sadness that Baby Justin’s death had dragged me down. No, kicked me down.

baby
The in filling

In a last-ditch attempt, I pulled my zombie-like self together and three days after my baby’s passing, I cried out to Source to fill my emptiness. To make me feel alive again. Looking back, I am convinced that Source immediately responded.

Suddenly, I was reminded that I still had my first-born son, Jared. I had family, friends who had turned family.  I still had LOVE.  As suddenly, Love became more than anything. Love was poured into my soul and I, in turn, opened up myself to receiving it, realizing that my capacity to love and be love is infinite.

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This was Clara Brown’s most intimate piece she has ever written for us. When she was told about the request from a reader, responding to our survey “What Woman-Related Topic Should We Do Next?” I asked her to do this piece. Since Baby Justin’s passing, Clara has leaned-in many times, relying on what she calls Source to help her fill her emptiness. It has as she so passionately and clearly shared here – her first-born child, her family and her friends have been the channel for her Source to fill her up.

Clara is a longstanding member of Claudette’s Daughters of Sheba Facebook group, a friend, an Insurance Executive and a very wise woman. She lives in St. Andrew, Jamaica with her spouse and now 12 year-old first-born baby, Jared. Her most recent article was “How To Use Your Gifts To Thrive Wherever You Are.” She also contributed to one of our most popular posts in October – “Wanted: A Man To Pay The Bills.”

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We will continue this Emptiness conversation with Contributor Alexis Ali’s experience with the feeling and how she filled up. Be sure to subscribe and get your update.

 

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62 thoughts on “My Baby Died: How Do I Go On?

  1. […] a child and the emptying feeling that comes with that. Read “My Baby Died: How Do I Go On?” for more on that experience and how to […]

  2. […] a child and the emptying feeling that comes with that. Read “My Baby Died: How Do I Go On?” for more on that experience and how to […]

  3. […] often tell my only child, Jared, about my astute mother’s juggling act.  There was a point when three of us were […]

  4. […] often tell my only child, Jared, about my astute mother’s juggling act.  There was a point when three of us were […]

  5. […] reader’s request. Check out the other articles in this series: Empty: It That How You Feel?, My Baby Died: How Do I Go On?, Filling The Dad-Sized Hole In Your Life and Emptiness: A Sign of Emotional […]

  6. […] Brown will share with you in a week or two what she knows about emptiness in the context of losing a child. At this point, I am not sure where the others will take the conversation – and that is good […]

  7. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your post was so powerful. Unfortunately, I know the grief from losing a child never goes away. I’m glad you were able to find comfort in your family and son.

    1. Ms Claudette

      On Clara’s behalf, I thank you very much for your comforting words. Namaste.

  8. There definitely is no deeper pain than losing a child. As a dad I still haven’t transitioned after losing my son at 16. Beating myself up with blame was the worst for me to attempt to get over.

    1. Ms Claudette

      No, there is not…no greater pain. The pain never truly goes away but we learn, with time, how to sit with it. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Thank you. Namaste.

  9. What a touching story. I have not experienced this, but any mother would be devastated to lose a child. Clara Brown is a very strong person and I admire her courage for sharing her story with us.

    1. Ms Claudette

      You are correct, she is a very strong woman! Thank you for reading! 🙂

  10. […] child died. This was the most read post of the past week and the words were the most powerful. Do read them and share with us your thoughts about the words the Clara used to respond to a reader’s […]

  11. Oh Ms Claudette- this is so heartbreaking. Your son was beautiful. You are beautiful.

    My first two daughters passed shortly after birth, they both had kidney issues and their hearts and lungs were too small. My mother told me one thing that has ALWAYS resonated with me “You don’t ever get over it, you just get through it”.

    Huge hugs! Thank you for sharing your son with us and your journey without him.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thank you for your caring words. This is not my story, it is Contributor Clara Brown’s but I am sure she has read this and feel you care. Sorry to hear about your daughters passing. Your mother was very wise. I too lost my first child and that is exactly what happened for me . I got through it. Namaste. 🙂

  12. I haven’t been in this kind of situation before, but as a mother I sure know the pain of losing a life that you took care of for nine months in your womb. Turning to God would be my best advice, and I think if I were in the same situation, He alone can help me get through losing my baby.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Whatever and wherever one gets strength is the best place to turn in my view at a time like this. Thank heavens you have never had this experience. Namaste

  13. Oh my – as a mother of 4 – I cannot even imagine the pain! I so admire the stregnth to share her history! I knw not everyone beleves in prayer- but I will pray and keep ppositive thoughts always – one of the most powerful reads ever

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thank you Eileen! I am sure Clara has received your words and is encouraged even further by them. Namaste. 🙂

  14. It is very hard when you are in this situation. I know that sometimes life is unfair but we just need to find strength to continue to live.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Tell me about it Jessica! Strength, will, trust and resilience – some of the ingredients to getting well again. Thanks for visiting. 🙂

  15. That is so heartbreaking and thank goodness she had something to turn to for comfort. I’m so glad it helped her carry on, but still…no parent should outlive their child.

    1. Ms Claudette

      I, Claudette, am a strong woman but should I outlive my daughter, worse yet my granddaughter now that she is here – my strength would be severely tested. That is all I have to say. 🙁

  16. Angie@chasingmyhalo

    Clara, I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. I lost my only baby when her heart stopped beating but Much earlier in the pregnancy. I can’t even imagine seeing their face. I agree, my source/God wrapped me extra tight during that time- but it is still one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Ms Claudette

      Angie, on Clara’s behalf, thank you so much for sharing your story and experience. 🙂

  17. Thank you for sharing your story. Losing a baby is never easy, I am so sorry you had to experience that.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thanks for your kind words. Clara has evolved from the anguish of Baby Justin’s passing and is now such a fantastic mother for her surviving child/son, more so because she understands loss so deeply. 🙂

  18. What a devastating experience that she was able to rise up from and stand stronger and help other women as well. There is power in our stories.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Yes, the power is right there as you said! We just have to own and share them:)

  19. […] Contributor Clara Brown shared her understanding and experience with emptiness. This is one way that I have learned to deal with bad memories that would leave me empty, wasted on […]

  20. I admire Clara for not giving up. Losing a son must be too hard for her, especially that he was just a baby. I’m glad that the feeling of emptiness was easily filled by her family’s love.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Yes, you are so right on all counts! I am sure she appreciates your comment. She told me so via whatsapp 🙂

  21. dltolley

    Heart-rending. I had a close friend who lost her son after years and years of keeping him alive. My words to her were inspired at that moment because they certainly didn’t come from me: You have been emptied. You need to be refilled. Stop giving for a moment and take. Just for a moment.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Love those words!!! Thank you so much for sharing it with our readers! 🙂

  22. What Courage to share such a personal loss and what a strong woman to Have gone thru it all! Any mother that goes through this feels emptiness, I know! Thanks for sharing with us Clara Brown’s Story!

    1. Ms Claudette

      You are most welcome and we are dedicated to continuing to do this! Thanks for your visit. 🙂

  23. So strong of you for sharing this. I can’t imagine how you’ve been through. I miscarriage my second baby at 8 weeks, and it was truly devastating. God is always good and I know he will provide.

    1. Ms Claudette

      You will most certainly be provided, so take heart. Please keep in touch and thank you so much for visiting. Thank you. 🙂

  24. Elizabeth O.

    That’s a touching story, she’s such a strong woman and I admire her for not giving up on life completely since she still has another son to raise. Although the road to healing was tough I am happy she was showered with love during those times.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Yes, her son Jared is more than reason to not give up. A very charming young man indeed! Thank you for your encouraging words! 🙂

  25. Thanks for sharing your story. So sorry for the loss, I can feel her pain

    1. Ms Claudette

      On her behalf, thank you very much. 🙂

  26. victoria

    I can’t imagine about this. My friend was miscarriage last month and she can’t accept.

    1. Ms Claudette

      It is hard to imagine and if the person is not sensitive or have had the experience – easy to tell the woman to get over it. But we each handle grief differently. Please tell your friend to take her time, cry as much as she need to and when she is ready there are many resources available that can help her journey back where she is able to start filling up again. Please give her our love and blessings. Namaste

  27. Loss.. is so deep, so over-taking and completing consuming. I feel her pain, I appreciate the share and openness

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thank you, on Clara’s behalf, Dana. It has been 10 years and each year since I have known her, on the anniversary of Baby Justin’s passing, I witness her filling back up, grip on the loss loosens and as she lovingly stroke the memory. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  28. I can’t even imagine what this must be like. My grandmother had a miscarriage and a stillborn and I know it affected her throughout her life.

    1. Ms Claudette

      It stays with you forever. You don’t forget but hopefully, you make peace. Thank you for sharing this with us. 🙂

  29. the important part about sharing stories like this is to remind other moms and dads that they are not alone. there are people who understand how it feels to experience the loss of a child. i cannot imagine trying to deal with that but it is so important to deal with it

    1. Ms Claudette

      And that is precisely why we share the stories that we do = to help at least one other know they are not alone! 🙂

  30. Thank you Clara for sharing your story with us and I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. You are strong woman for having the courage to directly highlight the root of the baby’s death and I am so glad you have your son to keep you happy. You deserve it.

    1. Ms Claudette

      On her behalf, thank you Ana – you are always so kind! Namaste. 🙂

  31. It would be so hard to go on after this. One day at a time is all I could do.

    1. Ms Claudette

      And that is all you or anyone in such pain=filled situations can be expected to do. 🙂

  32. I (like most people I think) can’t even imagine this level of trauma. I hope your testimony is able to help bring healing not only to you but others as well!

    1. Ms Claudette

      I am sure that is Clara’s hope as well! Thank you Heidi. 🙂

  33. What a powerful testimony. Thank you for sharing such an intimate piece of yourself <3

    1. Ms Claudette

      When a reader responded to our survey asking what should we do next, Clara and Alexis immediately came to mind as the best persons to give personal and intimate responses. Katelyn will also respond from a psychological perspective and I for one look forward to all these ladies sharing. We strive to be honest and keep it real on this blog! Thank you for visiting. 🙂

  34. It sounds absolutely an awful experience – difficult to imagine if you haven’t gone through it.

    1. Ms Claudette

      One of the worst! I lost my first baby as well – still birth – and thought I would never recover. Clara is a strong woman and a woman of strength and I am so grateful to her for sharing this experience.

  35. Robin Rue (@massholemommy)

    I can’t even imagine. I don’t think I could go on.

    1. Ms Claudette

      This is one of – if not the worse experience of emptiness a woman/mother could ever go through. To endure and thrive after losing your baby is a demonstration of your strength and will to continue. I am so grateful to Clara Brown for sharing this story with our readers. 🙂

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