Wanted: A Man To Pay The Bills

Money Talk And…

There are mornings when there is no post idea and no articles from the Contributors. Then, as my fingers hit the keyboard, sentences begin to flow. Today’s conversation about “Wanted: Man To Pay The Bills,” is different as this was a planned post, one that I asked three of our female Contributors to take part in creating.

We have talked about money, finances, relationships and even sex generally and sex in the context of those who sell it. Depending on your perspective – a conversation about whether women want a man to pay the bills might have many saying “Yes!” We are a very diverse group of writers on this blog – in every sense of the word – and while that is true, this is not ignoring the reality of same-sex relationships. This conversation is primarily about man/woman relationships.

Here are the responses to the question posed to Neelma Tashfeen, Katelyn Roth and Clara Brown.


Looking For A Man

man to pay
Neelma Tashfeen

He leaves flowers on my doorstep when he does not find me home, he calls me late in the night just to tell me, “I LOVE YOU.” He walks around the car to open the door for me, he loves to walk me down the beach holding my hand,  whispering sweet things in my ear. He makes me my favorite breakfast on the weekend and takes my car to mechanic (after his tough working shift). He shovels ice off my pavement (as a surprise).

He is nice, generous and sweet with me. Perhaps, he would not be if he had a great job. Just because he cannot afford to pay all the bills every month, he ought to be real nice and sweet. Maybe that is compensation for a shallow wallet? A bribe for financial weakness, a way to please me with attention and care because he cannot buy all the things that drives some women towards a man. A confusing and puzzling scenario. Is it not?

I keep asking myself, “A man with loads of affection, care, passion, but no buying power to afford me. Is he the right man for Me?”

Somewhere deep inside I hear a soft gentle whisper, “Yes he is.”

The reason is simple. He will land a great job one day since he works hard enough for us to stay afloat. But if he did not love me now, he would never love me ever. Finances improve over time, love usually does not. For me, a not so well off guy who loves me and makes me feel special is far better than a rich one who can pay my bills while treating me like JUST ANOTHER WOMAN.


man to pay
Katelyn Roth

I’m looking for a man to pay all the bills love and respect me.

Sometime last year, I was talking with my mom about my relationship with my then-boyfriend and she said, “Dad and I are concerned about how much money you spend in the relationship. We’re worried he might be taking advantage of you. I just can’t imagine either of the boys ever letting a girl spend that much on them.”

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This was clearly meant to be an intervention. I think she intended to open my eyes to the reality of the financial disparity in our relationship. Maybe she thought it is the man to pay most of the bills. Maybe she wanted the relationship to end but she knew better than to think I would cave so easily. She did raise me, after all; she knows how stubborn I can be. At the time, I felt angry. It did not seem like any of anyone’s business how he and I divided up our bills and spending.

Truthfully, my relationship with this guy would not have gotten very far if I had expected him to foot all the bills. When we started dating, he was a college student paying his own way. He had student loans. He struggled to make rent sometimes. I was a college student, too, but my parents were paying my full tuition, all my bills, AND I had a job. It simply did not suit our situation for him to always be paying out of some outdated sense of a man’s role in the relationship. So yeah, I took us to dinner and movies. When we moved in together, I paid most of the rent and bought groceries. We did not keep tabs. We pooled our paychecks and paid what needed paying.

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Sitting with my mom, I was finally able to put into words why it did not bother me that I paid for more. It did not bother me because it did not bother him and I liked that it did not bother him. His sense of masculinity was not tied up in his ability to pay for dinner. He was not of the thought that a man to pay the bills is all a woman wanted. And because of that, his sense of my femininity was not tied up in stereotypical “women’s roles.” We both cooked and did dishes, we both took out the trash, we both did laundry, we both did the shopping—things that my mom would have expected only me to be doing as the woman in the relationship. Things were accomplished according to who had time or ability at the moment, not according to who had what body parts.

That “cheapskate” boyfriend is now my fiancé and I continue to pay for more, even after my parents stopped paying my rent and tuition. I want a man who will let me pay for dinner because he sees me as an equal. I want a man who does not have his pride hurt when I pay more for groceries. Mostly, I want a man who loves and respects me as a human being, not as an expense, not as a debit card.

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man
Clara Brown

Oh, For The Love Of Money

I come from a family where certain values and attitudes are very important. The elders were big advocates for independence and a strong sense of ‘self’  and making real the words, ”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Against that background, you can only imagine my horror when one of my nieces announced last December that she is marrying a particular man. All kinds of questions flooded my mind. I could not help immediately thinking that she was taking this ‘plunge’ for the money.  She tried to justify her hurried decision to marry this man. She said that she has a lot of goals that she wants to meet before turning 30 and her former boyfriend, my preferred choice of a husband, could no longer help attain them.  As the discussion progressed, I became more horrified and listened in awe.

I tried, without success, to draw on all the moral and philosophical reasons why the decision to marry should not be so strongly influenced by materialistic considerations. Her mind was already made up.  As if to make sure I got it, she blatantly displayed the diamond ring the man “had put on it.”

I have always been an independent woman, charted my course and am always very proud of the strides that I have made in my personal and professional lives. I try to be genuine and authentic in my relationships. Money or the lack of it has never influenced my decision to love and live with a man. I am now learning through my experience with my niece that a lot has changed not only in the world, but within our family and the way we approach life, love and relationships.


Share your story with us about your search for love and a man. Are you single and looking for a man to pay the bills or to fully experience life with? Is there anything truly wrong with woman who choose a man who can advance her goals? Leave your comments below and do Subscribe to receive my monthly newsletter (October’s went out early this morning) as well as my affirmation poster for the month.

Enjoy the first day of October and you are invited to join my friend, and sister of the Daughter of Sheba, Beverly Sukie Martin and I this Saturday, October 3, on her radio show – Talk It Up Radio – live from Orlando, Florida. Here is your personal invite from me. Check it out:

 

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42 thoughts on “Wanted: A Man To Pay The Bills

  1. […] Did you read Neelma’s most “A Peek Into The Daily Lives of 3 Pakistani Women?” Check it out here. She also joined two other Contributors and shared her thoughts on “Wanted: A Man To Pay The Bills.” […]

  2. […] Did you read Neelma’s most recent post, “A Peek Into The Daily Lives of 3 Pakistani Women?” Check it out here. She also joined two other Contributors and shared her thoughts on “Wanted: A Man To Pay The Bills.” […]

  3. Rosey

    Money and love are tied together for sure, especially when marriage is involved. I think this is a hard conversation, and very personal to each individual since we all think so differently about it.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Money and love are not naturally tied in my view. We have tied them. Marrying for money is a conscious choice, marrying for love is a natural movement. Absolutely, it comes down to individual outlook and choices. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts on the topic! 🙂

  4. CourtneyLynne

    Love and respect is key!!! I modeled for years and years and would once in awhile see girls choose money over love… And guess what? They are lonelier as ever now! My hubby may not make a billion $$$$, but we are happy and love eachother and that’s what matters :):)

    1. Ms Claudette

      Amen! Money and looks will and can disappear all that is left is character and love. Thanks for dropping by! 🙂

  5. Elizabeth O.

    For me, men who are dedicated to keeping you happy are keepers. Because that means they will be good providers too.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thanks for that perspective! 🙂

  6. victoria

    Me and my hubby was 3 years of living and he always bring his income to me for paying the bills and for our everyday budget but sometimes i can pay our bills when i have an extra income.

    1. Ms Claudette

      As I have said, whatever works for the couple best is what is best for the couple. And as the saying goes, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!” Much love. 🙂

  7. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and he never shared his income, etc 🙂 We love each other. He pays household bills and I take care groceries, clothes and other personal products. Everything came naturally, no discussion but we are pretty happy

    1. Ms Claudette

      You are pretty happy because you have found a system that works for both of you. It matters not if it is different from others – it is yours and it works! Thanks so much for sharing! 🙂

  8. For me when I was looking for the man I would marry I looked for one who had a great work ethic rather than necessarily having a great job. The later can come and go, but the former is what will really count in the long end. More important than money is character. I am sooo grateful I found such a man. He is a great provider for our family even when he has been out of work .

    1. Ms Claudette

      I just love it when I see comments like yours because it testifies to the fact that things always work out! Thank you so much for sharing that! 🙂

  9. I have to say that I’ve never looked for a partner based on income. I’ve always been independent, and while it would be nice to not have to worry about money, love is more important.

    1. Ms Claudette

      I have to say that I agree with you! 🙂

  10. Respect and love more important to me than money…if that comes with the love and respect, then that is fine.

    1. Ms Claudette

      I so agree with you! Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  11. I actually gave my husband permission to quit his job with no prospects and we were living paycheck to paycheck as is, because I knew he wasn’t happy and needed to be done with it. The money can be worked out later!

    1. Ms Claudette

      Yes!!! Be there and done that as well. And did it not work out – or working out?

  12. Money definitely is not everything. I decent guy far outweighs being pampered with material gifts.

    1. Ms Claudette

      You are so right on that as you can get all the stuff as gifts but if true love and affection is not part of the packages, you have wasted your time. 🙂

  13. My husband gives all his income to me. It has been like that ever since we got married.

    1. Ms Claudette

      And that works very well for some couples….clearly for yuo. 🙂

  14. My husband and I have been together for 14 yrs. Sometimes he pays the bills and sometimes I do. We are equals and love and respect each other. If you go out searching for only money you may get it but I’d take love over money any day.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Amen to that! Love over money but money helps the love along, no?

  15. This is interesting because my daughter dated someone she fell deeply in love with who wasn’t working, but ultimately she just couldn’t handle it. I guess it’s totally individual.

    1. Ms Claudette

      It can be a heavy burden to bear, especially if there is no end in sight. You are right, everyone has to decide for themselves how much they are willing to carry.

  16. danavento

    I believe relationships are about equality, and great friendships . I also don’t need a man’s money to support me! Never will, never have. I like to pay my own bills and create my own way,this however is me:)

    1. Ms Claudette

      Agreed, agreed, agreed. That too is me but to each her own, right? 🙂

  17. dltolley

    I am married to a man who treats me as THE most important person in his life. After forty years of marriage, he still opens my door for me and holds my hand when we walk – even from the car to the door. He respects my input and encourages anything and everything I want to try. Then stands with me as I try it. He is loving, considerate, generous, thoughtful, creative and very hard-working. When I married him at the age of twenty (he was twenty-one) I hardly knew what we were doing. But I couldn’t have chosen better. And the most beautiful thing? He has taught our four sons everything he knows.

    1. Ms Claudette

      OMG, you found the ONE!!! Now I envy you on so many more levels! 🙂

  18. I’ve never had a man that has paid any bills for me! Even now with my fiance everything is split evenly. I wouldn’t want someone to just pay the bills, I want someone that I love 🙂

    1. Ms Claudette

      You and I (Claudette) are in the same boat. I have never had it either and not sure I would know how to handle it now. However, let me quickly add – it is different for every woman and she must decided what works best for her. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  19. Robin Rue (@massholemommy)

    My husband pays our bills and I like it that way.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Whatever works for you both Robin, that is what you must do. 🙂

  20. I will take Love and Respect over paying my bills anyday.

    1. Ms Claudette

      I think you have at least three women agreeing with you on that…then me, 🙂

  21. I am glad your man makes you happy. Money does not but happiness and you figured that out.

    1. Ms Claudette

      On the ladies behalf, thank you. 🙂

  22. I agree…relationships should be based on equality and ability to support one another, not who has what body parts. We should ignore gender stereotypes.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Agreed. 🙂

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