Money Talk And…
There are mornings when there is no post idea and no articles from the Contributors. Then, as my fingers hit the keyboard, sentences begin to flow. Today’s conversation about “Wanted: Man To Pay The Bills,” is different as this was a planned post, one that I asked three of our female Contributors to take part in creating.
We have talked about money, finances, relationships and even sex generally and sex in the context of those who sell it. Depending on your perspective – a conversation about whether women want a man to pay the bills might have many saying “Yes!” We are a very diverse group of writers on this blog – in every sense of the word – and while that is true, this is not ignoring the reality of same-sex relationships. This conversation is primarily about man/woman relationships.
Here are the responses to the question posed to Neelma Tashfeen, Katelyn Roth and Clara Brown.
Looking For A Man
He leaves flowers on my doorstep when he does not find me home, he calls me late in the night just to tell me, “I LOVE YOU.” He walks around the car to open the door for me, he loves to walk me down the beach holding my hand, whispering sweet things in my ear. He makes me my favorite breakfast on the weekend and takes my car to mechanic (after his tough working shift). He shovels ice off my pavement (as a surprise).
He is nice, generous and sweet with me. Perhaps, he would not be if he had a great job. Just because he cannot afford to pay all the bills every month, he ought to be real nice and sweet. Maybe that is compensation for a shallow wallet? A bribe for financial weakness, a way to please me with attention and care because he cannot buy all the things that drives some women towards a man. A confusing and puzzling scenario. Is it not?
I keep asking myself, “A man with loads of affection, care, passion, but no buying power to afford me. Is he the right man for Me?”
Somewhere deep inside I hear a soft gentle whisper, “Yes he is.”
The reason is simple. He will land a great job one day since he works hard enough for us to stay afloat. But if he did not love me now, he would never love me ever. Finances improve over time, love usually does not. For me, a not so well off guy who loves me and makes me feel special is far better than a rich one who can pay my bills while treating me like JUST ANOTHER WOMAN.
I’m looking for a man to pay all the bills love and respect me.
Sometime last year, I was talking with my mom about my relationship with my then-boyfriend and she said, “Dad and I are concerned about how much money you spend in the relationship. We’re worried he might be taking advantage of you. I just can’t imagine either of the boys ever letting a girl spend that much on them.”
This was clearly meant to be an intervention. I think she intended to open my eyes to the reality of the financial disparity in our relationship. Maybe she thought it is the man to pay most of the bills. Maybe she wanted the relationship to end but she knew better than to think I would cave so easily. She did raise me, after all; she knows how stubborn I can be. At the time, I felt angry. It did not seem like any of anyone’s business how he and I divided up our bills and spending.
Truthfully, my relationship with this guy would not have gotten very far if I had expected him to foot all the bills. When we started dating, he was a college student paying his own way. He had student loans. He struggled to make rent sometimes. I was a college student, too, but my parents were paying my full tuition, all my bills, AND I had a job. It simply did not suit our situation for him to always be paying out of some outdated sense of a man’s role in the relationship. So yeah, I took us to dinner and movies. When we moved in together, I paid most of the rent and bought groceries. We did not keep tabs. We pooled our paychecks and paid what needed paying.
Sitting with my mom, I was finally able to put into words why it did not bother me that I paid for more. It did not bother me because it did not bother him and I liked that it did not bother him. His sense of masculinity was not tied up in his ability to pay for dinner. He was not of the thought that a man to pay the bills is all a woman wanted. And because of that, his sense of my femininity was not tied up in stereotypical “women’s roles.” We both cooked and did dishes, we both took out the trash, we both did laundry, we both did the shopping—things that my mom would have expected only me to be doing as the woman in the relationship. Things were accomplished according to who had time or ability at the moment, not according to who had what body parts.
That “cheapskate” boyfriend is now my fiancé and I continue to pay for more, even after my parents stopped paying my rent and tuition. I want a man who will let me pay for dinner because he sees me as an equal. I want a man who does not have his pride hurt when I pay more for groceries. Mostly, I want a man who loves and respects me as a human being, not as an expense, not as a debit card.
Oh, For The Love Of Money
I come from a family where certain values and attitudes are very important. The elders were big advocates for independence and a strong sense of ‘self’ and making real the words, ”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Against that background, you can only imagine my horror when one of my nieces announced last December that she is marrying a particular man. All kinds of questions flooded my mind. I could not help immediately thinking that she was taking this ‘plunge’ for the money. She tried to justify her hurried decision to marry this man. She said that she has a lot of goals that she wants to meet before turning 30 and her former boyfriend, my preferred choice of a husband, could no longer help attain them. As the discussion progressed, I became more horrified and listened in awe.
I tried, without success, to draw on all the moral and philosophical reasons why the decision to marry should not be so strongly influenced by materialistic considerations. Her mind was already made up. As if to make sure I got it, she blatantly displayed the diamond ring the man “had put on it.”
I have always been an independent woman, charted my course and am always very proud of the strides that I have made in my personal and professional lives. I try to be genuine and authentic in my relationships. Money or the lack of it has never influenced my decision to love and live with a man. I am now learning through my experience with my niece that a lot has changed not only in the world, but within our family and the way we approach life, love and relationships.
Share your story with us about your search for love and a man. Are you single and looking for a man to pay the bills or to fully experience life with? Is there anything truly wrong with woman who choose a man who can advance her goals? Leave your comments below and do Subscribe to receive my monthly newsletter (October’s went out early this morning) as well as my affirmation poster for the month.
Enjoy the first day of October and you are invited to join my friend, and sister of the Daughter of Sheba, Beverly Sukie Martin and I this Saturday, October 3, on her radio show – Talk It Up Radio – live from Orlando, Florida. Here is your personal invite from me. Check it out: