Memories, Don’t Leave Like People Do

Why? Why Now?

I did not think about my pursuer for a few days since her last message. At least not actively except for asking myself on my 45-minutes drive those early Fall mornings, “Why now?”  Trolling the memories that I held of her, I kept asking myself “Why doesn’t she just leave me alone?” 

My annoyance grew as I recalled opening the new email from her and the sting of her words zapped me in the face. The first thing was her calling me Mrs. McPherson*. Why the hell that bothered me is still a mystery but coming out of her virtual mouth it did.

Then she wanted to explain some of what happened as maybe then I would not hold such a beef against her. She forgot that my memories told me its version.

“Really now?” I thought. “Now you want to explain? I don’t think so!”

For some reason she sent two emails this time, something about being kicked off the computer. She should have left it at one. The second email confirmed that patience is a virtue that I still needed some lessons on.

Forget Your Memories

“Let’s just forgive and forget about the past,” she wrote and then went into a bipolar-like rant that I was full of anger still and that is not good for my health.

The late Bernie Mac had this line he would use in his television show, “America…let me tell you…” Well, to paraphrase: People…let me tell you…the words coming out of my mouth were not becoming of me. 

memories
Are you serious?

“What the f… she cares about my health! She hasn’t concerned herself with me when I needed help, and now she is? !@^?”

My memories of our history were clearly different from hers. How could I let go of being abandoned and forgotten with nary a word from her for this long? Who the heck is she to decide what emotions I should be experiencing at her reappearance in my life, providential or not, demanding room in my personal space? And, my memories were the only things that made sense anyway!

Recurring October Dreams And Memories

I was calm enough to know not to immediately reply to her latest emails. So off to bed I went and the face again appeared in my dreams. This happens every October, almost every night for the month. My daughter also had not-so pleasant memories about this time of the year. And it was in October that my life almost came to an end. 

Sometime my memories are not so right but I do believe it was also one October that I prepared my Memorial Service several years ago. The entire service was planned, music chosen and the programme printed. My daughter teased me when it was done that come that day, she will have nothing to do but plug the removable disk into a computer and let it run. 

One of the songs I had chosen for my Memorial Service was “I Just Can’t Give Up Now” and it is one of the songs that helped to bring me back from the brink of death one October not too long ago.

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Which brings me back to cellular memory. My body was talking to me again – another October is here – as this woman attempts to re-enter my life. It seems to be saying to me that I can choose whether the healing will take longer and be harder. Or I could dial the telephone number she included in her second email.

“All I want is for us to be reunited and start communicating in a more friendly manner and not like we are enemies,” she had closed her email.

All I, Claudette Esterine-McPherson, want is more time to feel these emotions that have resurfaced for another October and think this through some more.

Maybe I will drop her a line…tomorrow.

How Can I Be Thankful?

October 8, 2009 and I was pooped, hungry and not too joyous that it was snowing, I still had to stop and collect the humongous organic chicken that was to grace my Thanksgiving table. Pulling away from a friend’s beautiful 100-year old house in Southern Alberta, the knot in the pit of my stomach tightened as if to remind of the memories I was trying to downplay.

That was a wasted motion on its part as how could I have forgotten it? Since my first cup of coffee at 5:00 a.m., it arrived and had me gasping for breath several times throughout my presentations to the Parole Board on my clients’ behalf.

memories
White knuckle driving weather

My husband was on the phone wanting to know if he should start driving home now instead of early the next morning as was the plan. He had a 6-hour drive from the oil rigs where he worked and he feared the worse as he listened to me describe the sometime excruciating pain that had me doubled-over in my truck. We both tried to diagnose what could have been the cause and possible home remedies. 

“Roger,” I tentatively said, “do you think this is psychological?” 

Not understanding where I could be going with that question or maybe preferring not to go there, he responded, “How?”

“Well, you know I have been dealing with some stuff and it is the day, it is October 8, the day my downward spiraling began back then.”

“No,” said my husband who sometimes refused to acknowledge that I am not super-woman. “You are just stressed from the presentations and all that was weighing on them.” 

Then, as only Roger could conclude he said, “Furthermore I would have heard it in your voice.” 

“Heard what in my voice?” was my comeback.

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“Depression,” he said matter-of-factually and I could just imagine his green-blue eyes with that man-boyish gaze that he has penetrating into me.

Making New Memories

When we first met, Roger and I, after noticing that he was a somewhat of a red-head, the next thing that caught me were his eyes and that impish smile that reside deeply in them. His eyes were so irresistible to me that throughout our first dinner together, I could not look away. So taken by them, a few hours later as we were about to pull out of the parking lot, I reached over and grabbed him, pulled him in to me and kissed him. Not caring whether he thought I was a crazy ‘black’ woman, I kissed him again. His eyes made me do it. 

memories
Marry me

And over the almost two years that we were together up until then, all he had to do was turn those eyes on me and I knew that everything might not be the way we want it, we were not where we wanted to be as individuals but all will be well. 

Roger knew things about me that I do not and he is not afraid to share them with me – even when I might not want to be informed. He also knew that October 2006 was a crazy-making month for me and that Thanksgiving since then did not find me being grateful. 

He also knew that this October came with more issues – with the emails that I have processed. That is why we were both glad that he was on his way home for our second Thanksgiving together – to help make new memories. 


*Name changed to protect the identities of people involved

This is Part 2 of a three-part personal short story series on letting go. Part 1 and the introduction to the series are available, as well as our last short story series by Alexis Ali, Adele’s Pattern: A Journey To Redemption.

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The final installment of the Letting Go series is now available.

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34 thoughts on “Memories, Don’t Leave Like People Do

  1. I think some of the memories like this are the ones that make us the strongest.

    1. Ms Claudette

      You are so right! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!

  2. Beautifully written. we all need time to move through our experiences and memories at our own pace. I am grateful for supporting loving people in our lives who understand this and so they stand by and offer love and support knowing they give strength by just being there for us as we do what no one can do for us.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Oh yes, aren’t they just the best people to have in your life? Love them and love you for stopping by! 🙂

  3. […] installment in a 3-part short story series on Letting Go. You can read the introduction, Part 1 and Part 2 to catch up and understand the steps between the lines of how you too can get clarity and free […]

  4. Another fantastic post madam….ah those memories…those memories..LOL…sometimes I wish they would leave like people do….

    1. Ms Claudette

      LOL! That is very funny but they don’t. Thanks for dropping by! 🙂

      1. Yup unfortunately they hang on for dear life…lol

  5. Great stories of the strength of the human spirit. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thank you for visiting! 🙂

  6. You are so right. There are some things we just can’t forget. Ever. I’m still working on forgiveness too. It’s a hard thing when someone has really wronged you.

    1. Ms Claudette

      It really is but doable – might take a long time! 🙂

  7. Elizabeth O.

    That’s true, the memories will always stay with us. But just like people, eventually, new memories will come that will overpower the ones that were there before.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Yes, for sure you will make new memories and the old ones will not necessarily be as dominant. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  8. I truly love this post, in so many ways I can relate to it. I try not to hang on the certain things, though, and rather move on.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Then it means you are doing your best and that’s all we can do! I wish you every happiness and joy! 🙂

  9. Your story rings true with so many in my own life! Thank you so much for sharing with us all 🙂

    1. Ms Claudette

      You are most welcome and thank you for reading! 🙂

  10. I can relate to this tale, night in and day out one persons face haunts my dreams, the woman that would create a living hell that I could not escape out of. It is like I am in drowning in her evil and there is no way out but we must reject those who make us feel worthless and forge our own future.

    1. Ms Claudette

      You hit the nail right on the head with your last statement. Only you can decide to continue living in emotional bondage or freedom. I do hope you choose freedom as it is a much nicer ride! Love and blessings to you! 🙂

  11. I can relate to this. There are events that happened in my life that I really can’t forget even if I’ve moved on already.

    1. Ms Claudette

      I always say one never forgets. You forgive, perhaps and hopefully – eventually, but you will always remember and you should. That is my view. 🙂

  12. victoria

    I really love to reading your post. and i am relate to the some feelings and i am realizing some new things in my life.

    1. Ms Claudette

      I am glad that you can relate in some ways and the new experiences your are having now. My best wishes for you as you continue 🙂

  13. I wish I could practice selective amnesia every time. However, a failed relationship, the hurt, the waste of time, the emotional abuse keeps creeping in. It affects my relationship with my children (I am paranoid that they would turn out to be like their not so good father). It also sometimes affects my relationship with my current husband.

    1. Ms Claudette

      It can and it will until you close the door on it, banish him from controlling your emotional life. It is hard to do, do not get me wrong, but is is o worth it! You and your children will benefit the most. Feel free to email me if you just want to chat so more on this. daughtersofsheba@gmail.com

  14. Robin Rue (@massholemommy)

    The older I get, the less I remember LOL I try, though 🙂

    1. Ms Claudette

      LOL! 🙂 I hear you. That’s what I write, I can go back to my notes, posts, etc. 🙂

  15. I enjoyed reading your post and can relate to some of the feelings that you shared. I think figuring out how to handle the influx of people in and out of our lives and determining the healthiest way to go forward with those who have hurt or betrayed us is definitely a lifetime work in progress.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thank you Jessica! You are correct that this is a life long process. I am nowhere close to where I was back in 2009, moreover 2006 but October always come with a reminder of where I was. I have let go of the hurt, the anger, the bitterness and the resentment – for the most part (99%) but I have not forgotten. Have a beautiful rest of the day. 🙂

  16. Eileen xo

    Wow – this is so interesting – thank you for sharing

    1. Ms Claudette

      Thank you for reading! 🙂

  17. Whether this truly happened (is happening) to you or not–I can certainly relate. Many is the night that I can close my eyes and still see who I thought was my best friend looking me straight in the eye and saying if that person comes to eat with us on your (my) birthday-I won’t be there. I said-I guess you won’t be and have not said a word to her since-the other “friend” who was standing behind her-well it took me a little longer-but I finally cut her off totally as well–but the memories and the hurt persist.

    1. Ms Claudette

      Yes, it is a true story. I too can relate to your story. Much love and healing will come. Namaste. 🙂

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